I am sitting here going through photos. One by one the moment of that time is touched. The joy of my children is what keeps me on track. Their growth, my growth, their smile, my smile. So much life has been lived, so much love.
The grief strikes this time, unexpected, not anticipated, I have wanted to embrace the photo sorting for my kids, to give them a visual of their life. To connect them to their life as young children, before their dad died.
The marker is deep, its no longer a trench of oozing goo, time has helped. Yet, today I have to sit back and look and listen to where I am now so I stay here, present and accounted for on November 26, 2017, 12:15PM.
I am amazed at the burning in my heart, first its anger. Then a deep sadness takes my breath away, I can’t stand it, the tears pour down my cheeks, warm tears, fresh grief. I allow the flow of words here, my grief moves up and out to a deep sense of appreciation for everything.
I made it through the thicket, the sludge of necessary change. My kids made it too. Has it been easy, the photos’ make it seem so. They tell a story about love, acceptance, joy and change.
It has not been easy, its been worth it and necessary.
To be the woman I am today, for all that is flowing to me and through me, to give my children as well as the new family I am a part of now, I must change, embrace me and change. To stand grounded, confident and at peace knowing I am enough, I did enough and that is all there is.
Within the grief of death there is more, the grief of my childhood, I stopped the generational system of abuse. I confronted it, face forward, protecting myself and my children. I am always amazed when I look at photos, the change in me, the beauty and light shining through as time passes. The peace within me shining through my eyes is a wonderful validation of grace.
I have faced my life experience and done the very best I know how to take responsibility for the behaviors created to survive that did not support thriving. I have faced change and let go of so much, behaviors, people, places and things. In that process I am who I am now. I cannot forget to honor the journey.
Do those moments of not knowing how to feel or react or express occur now, yes, they do. Today the emotions were fresh and flowing.
I am so grateful, to be here, this moment, this breath, for me, my health, all my children, and my husband for he stands next to me and honors all that I am.
Embracing thriving, now I see, what I needed to see in those photos. There was joy through the sorrow. There was love honoring the anger and sadness. And there was grace and forgiveness.
Thank you for reading my hearts expression.
Peace to you in all that you do.